The Cigar Bandit

Somethin' funny's goin' down;
There's a-danger comin' 'round;
There's a shadow on the trail,
A trail of smoke.

He's a-comin' to your town;
Keep your head up, man—look out!
'Cause he's huntin' like a hound
For tobacco.

He's a bandit,
A cigar bandit,
Smoke-stealin'
Tobacco thief.

He don't want no cigarette,
No hookah, pipe, no snuff or dip,
So keep your stumps close to your chest—
You might be next!

If he gets you in his grip,
You are surely done for it;
Kiss goodbye to your smoke sticks,
Your sweet pyros.

He's a bandit,
A cigar bandit,
Smoke-stealin'
Tobacco thief.

He don't want no cigarette,
No hookah, pipe, no snuff or dip,
So keep your stumps close to your chest—
You might be next!

Pray that you may never meet
This hot-headed, smoke-stealin' thief,
And, if you do, hope to God
That he's feelin' forgivin'.

There's no tellin' who will be next—
Could be you, me, he, she, them, or it
Taken out by this fiend
With a taste for nicotine.

He's a bandit,
A cigar bandit,
Smoke-stealin'
Tobacco thief.

He don't want no cigarette,
No hookah, pipe, no snuff or dip,
So keep your stumps close to your chest—
You might be next!